The Great "Mom" Morph

The further along I get, the more I’m realizing how very odd and frightening pregnancy is. Somewhere in the general region of my belly button, I have a 1 lb, 12 inch little person living inside me. Yes, it’s very cool and amazing, but, well…it’s odd and scary too. Now that I’m finally starting to feel her moving around in there and my belly is expanding to the point where I might actually look pregnant instead of just chubby, the reality of the situation is starting to hit me: when Maria comes, I will somehow morph into “Mom.” I’ve never been “Mom” before and to be honest, I’m afraid.

Mom is the one who knows everything and can take care of just about any problem that’s out there. Mom goes to bed early and gets up early. Mom is capable. Mom is the most hard-working person I know and…Mom is vulnerable.

I, on the other hand, feel pretty clueless about how to take care of a baby. I like to sleep, but I also like to stay up at least until 10:30. I don’t know if I am capable. I certainly don’t feel that I measure up to Mom’s hard working and…I am afraid to be that vulnerable.

Of all the things that becoming “Mom” involves, being so very much at the mercy of someone else emotionally is the most frightening. Of course, I am extremely vulnerable to my husband emotionally, but there are a couple things about that vulnerability that are different:

1. I chose him. In other words, I knew (more or less) what I was getting into before I married him. I was aware of his strengths and weaknesses and decided that I wanted to marry him. In the case of motherhood, sure, Maria will be some combination of his and my genes, but I have no real idea what she’ll be like. What if we don’t get along? I know that I will love her (I already do) but I am also pretty confident that she will hurt me – and I’m not referring to the actually physical pain of giving birth, although that is likely true as well!

2. I married an adult, as an adult. Adult relationships are different than adult-child relationships. To a certain degree, adult relationships are based on a mutual maturity and capability for reasonable thought and conflict resolution. Not that they always are perfectly reasonable or mature, or that conflicts are always easily solved, but I think you get the point. Children are not always reasonable and they are by definition immature. There will be conflicts, and they won’t be easy to solve.

So, although I am honestly very excited to be a Mom, I am also afraid. Afraid of my own inadequacy as a parent and afraid of the unknown person that is my daughter. I kind of doubt that my fears will ever really vanish, but I hope and pray that they in no way affect the love I have and will have for Maria.